1. I have been looking for a new home since February and then a spiritual man came up to me and without knowing anything said to me, “you are your home, regardless of where you are.”
2. After gifting me this golden nugget, he then inundated me with a hour long+ conversation about all of his past incarnations that I was desperate to get out of yet somehow glued, frozen, and deeply curious about where this never-ending story was going so I sat until I was a drained husk. I do not recommend this strategy one bit. Catch yourself before it’s too late. Sometimes you have to take the reins back from curiosity and say, I guess we’ll always wonder, now let’s go the fuck home. And then you leave and within a few days you never wonder again but you pull the Plantain card from your oracle deck which is all about being resilient and having stronger boundaries and you think, ugh, I know, I know.
3. But I digress. I am my home. I am my home. I am my home.
4. The words bring me from my head into my torso which is always a plus. Back into the body, back home. It’s funny that we feel the most ‘home’ when we are in our body and, at the same time, we are souls that are just animating these unique 3D flesh suits this time around. Our body isn’t actually us and yet it is home.
5. I forgot this and have been looking for a new home in the different cross walk paint designs of new cities, in the way the softer water makes my hair less frizzy, in the Blundstone boots on every human around me, in the consistent dampness of the air that my lungs enjoy. I even bought a flat brim cap to look like a crunchy hiker. I am trying to play the part but I can’t see me when I look in the mirror with it on. Where did she go? I see a girl playing dress up.
6. Can you find yourself in a new persona that you’re trying on? I guess it depends. Trying on new identities can either 1) connect you deeper to these previously unknown aspects that are actually true to your soul or 2) show you exactly what misalignment looks like.
7. My dress up has been cute honestly. Harmless for the most part. It reminds me of my high-school self that would watch a movie and then make it my personality for the next few months. (Dazed and Confused had a lasting effect). I can’t wait to see my own kids do this and smile at them as they try on different vibes and see what fits, as they create themselves.
8. Anyways, the hat looked like shit and yet I still continued to wear it, hoping it would grow on me after so long because I wanted it to be ‘it’ so badly.
9. Just as I wanted this ocean-side, 2-bedroom house on the island that I currently write to you from to be ‘it.’ There was so much that made my ears perk up (the hippie landlord, the fresh salmonberries we picked from the wild bush next to the mailbox, the private beach trail down to the water where you can see orcas and whales). And yet my body was saying no no no no no, and I was so angry at it for that. I kept trying to say yes yes yes yes yes but my body knew something that my mind hadn’t caught onto just yet.
10. Was it fear that was saying no or was it an actual no? Ahh, the question that shows its face throughout our lifetimes. Am I just scared or is this misaligned? Is this resistance or redirection? Is this a challenge to be faced or shall I let go and pivot? It’s not problematic that this inner confusion is coming up. It doesn’t mean anything about you. It just means that you’re on the brink of making a grand decision regardless of what it is because so much growth, so much honesty, so much truth comes from the sheer act of taking the time to decipher.
11. In this moment of yes(?) with a whispered guttural no, I recognized how familiar this specific sensation of tension was and asked myself, why do we try to push things that are a honest (and oftentimes disappointing) ‘no’ into a forced, misaligned ‘yes?’ For what?
12. The answer came to me in a hushed tone that made me blink a few times as my tears dried up from the sheer matter-of-factness of it: To avoid pain, of course.
13. That’s always it isn’t it? The “pain” is relative but it oftentimes is really just feeling certain types of emotions that we categorize as shitty. I don’t want to feel disappointed because I am scared that I’ll become hopeless and give up and get depressed and frozen and stuck again so I try to convince myself that the house is ‘the one’ when my gut (that has lost its usually ravenous appetite) is saying nope, this doesn’t feel right. I keep doing doing doing, I keep myself busy and say––look! I’m making progress towards my goals! Look at all that I’m DOING! Because I fear that if I stop I’ll never regain inertia. But movement and action are two different things. Action is an intentional maneuver. Movement is just activity and it’s tiring me out. It’s like treading water as an average swimmer vs. a waterpolo player. The average swimmers are flailing around, trying to stay afloat, thinking they need to excessively move their limbs to keep from drowning, while the waterpolo players are egg beating their legs, doing so much less and yet seeing exponentially better results.
14. The universe tells me this by sprinkling a chunky slug on my doorstep of my airbnb. And then 8 more on my morning walk. The slug does not know the word “hurry.” What a life. They are the teacher for pacing ourselves, for moving slowly and intentionally with strategy and persistence. Their little retractable tentacles can only see light and dark, and yet that is enough. They love cool, moist hiding places and hence move towards the darkness.
15. It seems ‘pain’ has become interchangeable with the ‘unknown.’
16. When we hold too closely to wanting to ‘know,’ we can be led astray because sometimes we want to jump to saying ‘yes’ just so we can feel like we ‘know.’ So we can feel that short-lived ease until the truth inevitably bubbles up again. Until the universe says, you’re not meant to know right now. You’re meant to create and feel the peace and joy that you think you will have once you know and realize that the ‘knowing’ part is just a cherry on top.
17. “As long as you're learning, you're not failing.” – Bob Ross
18. In my exasperation, I say to the Gods through tears, please, I just want to enjoy my life. And they look down upon me and say: Go ahead, my love. There is nothing stopping you from doing just that. (Except for yourself, of course).
19. “Happiness is enjoying the passage of time.” – Jimmy Carr via Diary of a CEO
20. Figuring out where I want to live––that’s just one of many earthly phenomenas that this soul lesson is coming to me through. In its grandest essence, it is figuring out how to enjoy figuring it out.
21. “You’ll have experiences where you’re running but this stage isn’t for running, it is for walking. Life is making you walk because you have a lot to learn at this moment in time and you need more time to gather all this information.” – @diimejii on Threads
22. My coach asked me, “what does being friends with the unknown feel like?”
23. You’re driving and she is your passenger princess. She’s quite spontaneous and always has something interesting up her sleeve––unpredictable but in an entertaining way. She says to put your music on shuffle and stop touching your phone because the universe will dish up the exact song you need to hear without you having to do anything. ‘Changes' by David Bowie comes on and you thought you knew all the words but hear clearly for the first time that it’s “turn and face the strange.” You look over at unknown and she’s mischievously smirking at you with an unspoken but loving, see? I told you so. She says let’s pretend like we’re on a scavenger hunt looking for little life clues today and tomorrow and the next day. Let’s stop rushing to the next moment and just take care of ourselves and do we excites us and be open to finding these soul hints and trust that they’re enough. Sound good? You nod with a small smile and a deep sigh.
24. She says, you can relax, honey. You can enjoy yourself.
25. (You are doing enough. You are enough.)
I love you,
Kristen ⋆。‧˚ʚ 🍒 ɞ˚‧。⋆