it's okay to change your mind ⚔️
6 truths (my confessions), self-compassion in hard decisions, and change as a sacred bridge.
1.0 kittengate
I adopted two beautiful kittens on a Sunday and returned them back to the rescue center on the following Wednesday.
Those (almost) four days felt longer than this past year. They gutted me.
To incorporate two fluffs into your home and spend every free minute trying to woo their love and then to have them on the third night, both finally curl up in little purring balls on your lap and fall asleep…but, at the exact same time, to feel a heaviness in your chest and hollowness in your stomach, the pressure of being solely responsible for both their lives, their wellbeing. Of witnessing them jump in the air and do a cute twist but realizing you want to share some of these moments with someone––a loneliness you wouldn’t have been able to guess nor prepare for. Of looking at them all snuggled up and knowing in your gut that you are not ready for this, for whatever reason that isn’t more important than that physical bodily sensation that is your Knowing. Of desperately wanting to be excited in a situation like this because we’re supposed to be excited when after 8 months+ of wanting your own kitty, you finally get two. But it wasn’t like that.
I am holding this feeling of failure in my gut, where it feels like my intestines are knotting themselves together every time I think of their little furry paws willingly stepping onto my lap for the first time and making themselves comfortable as I didn’t move a muscle as to not scare them in that special moment. But even in that moment, something inside of me said, “This is so special, but this isn’t what feels right for me right now.”
As I write that, every cell in my body woefully agrees. I wanted to love them with all of my heart but sometimes the choices we make aren’t always right for where we are in our lives. We get ahead of ourselves.
I thought I had prepared to the fullest extent, that I had thought through everything. But that is always just an illusion. We can never really truly know until we try that thing. Because only action leads to clarity, thinking alone does not.
And so I tried. And, in a sense, I failed. Or rather I learned. I’m not sure it’s helpful to use the verb ‘fail’ because there is so much negative connotation connected to it. Or is it helpful to use the word ‘fail’ more regularly so that it becomes as neutrally-charged as saying “grass is green?” I don’t know. I’m distracting myself from the truth again, like I did with getting these kittens, like I do with looking for external things to cure my internal turbulence. But what even is the truth?
2.0 clearing space
The truth is, so many old parts of me have died off this year and I am mourning many of them and am grasping for identity markers in the interim to fill the empty space, the kittens being one of them. Julia Fox said being in your 20s is like being in the trenches, and that is also the Truth in my books. Maybe I’ll dress up as a soldier for Halloween next year or a busted-up Veronica from Heathers and call myself a twenty-something. But here I go again, distracting myself from the truth.
As we molt, as old versions die off, as past friendships fizzle out, there is space in our lives that is unintentionally created. Our knee-jerk reaction is to fill up that space asap because the emptiness, whatever form it may take, can be unsettling, even lonely. But this is the exact time when we need to keep the space open and mind the gap. When we clear space in our lives, we must trust that we are making room for something greater than we ever could have imagined. But that something greater can’t come in as long as we’re filling the space with nonsensical/half-ass/unaligned things.
3.0 change is constant
The truth is, change (tied with death) is the most certain and reliable thing in any and all of our lives. It’s one of the few things we can truly, 100% count on. And yet rather than leaning into change, I reluctantly accept it only when I can no longer put up with my own shit anymore. When the expired sense of ‘comfort’ becomes painful. When I seriously need to be repotted. When change becomes the last resort.
But just as a tree continues to grow no matter its resources, environment, nor health, it is in our DNA to constantly be changing and growing and evolving into greater and greater versions of ourselves. Change should not be what we fall back on only when times get tough, because then we will associate it with desperation and fear––with feelings of being trapped/struggling to get out of a current situation. Change needs to be a part of our every day by seeing it as the magic elixir to our personal evolution, full of lovely, sparkly iterations (not failures).
The tree is hardwired to grow to its utmost potential and it will attempt to do that until it dies. We can allow ourselves to do the same once we accept that change is not just our last resort when shit gets bad, it is our key to transformation.
4.0 surrender to the mess
The truth is, I am deeply uncertain yet am still figuring it out. At the same time, I am fastidious and particular by nature. I don’t like a single thing out of place before I go to sleep and I acknowledge that this near-obsessive level of perfection/craving for certainty is probably not helping in other areas of my life, especially when it comes to trying new things and holding space for the healthy messiness that comes with change, with the being in the in between, with the figuring it out.
Being in the gray area feels like a mess and if you know me, you know that I hate messes. In fact, the messiness of the kittens made me resent them. I literally hated two baby fluff balls for not being clean and orderly. I share this because I know it’s irrational and fucked, and also because the kittens reminded me that there is value in allowing ourselves to be messy at times. In fact, messiness as part of the process is powerful when we pair it with patience and trust, especially with the creative process.
I didn’t write a newsletter in November because the mess got to me. Instead of simply showing up for my creative process, I chose to do nothing. Instead of just trusting the process and realizing that order, form, and beauty all eventually come, I judged my early work as ‘bad’ and got further and further away from my writing practice. As the doubt compounded, I began to forget that I CAN write and that doing so gives me life energy. Then, once my soul was thoroughly starved for self expression, I finally sat down and I wrote and my insides breathed a sigh of relief as I thought to myself, “Well fuck, this feels great. Why do I always freak the fuck out beforehand?”
It doesn’t need to be that dramatic though. Accepting the mess in the process is surrendering to the journey and detaching from any attempt to control the outcome. It is trusting that the divine power of creation is within you, guiding you, without you even consciously realizing it and without you having to worry about how it’s all going to work out. It will all work out if you just show up for yourself and trust that that’s enough.
5.0 our body as a mirror of our external reality
The truth is, we can only be as honest with others as we are with ourselves. During my four days of kittens, I could barely eat yet didn’t want to ponder why. But being truly honest is asking ourselves, why have I completely lost my appetite? What is heavy in my throat that I am not acknowledging? What is that hollowness in my stomach that I am carrying with me throughout my day? The answers to our biggest questions are lodged in the bodily sensations that our society has taught us to ignore or to pop a pill to ‘fix.’
I kept the kittens in the middle of my apartment (a bathroom/hallway area that connects to everything). This central passageway, having been taken over by my new furry visitors, began to feel quite foreign to me, like the core of my home was no longer my own. As I continued to pretend that having the kittens was going great, my body decided to wake me up to reality by mirroring the truth of my external situation internally. The deep discomfort that I felt in the gut of my home physically manifested as literal gut issues of my own.
When our bodies revolt, they are trying to catch our attention and tell us to change something in our external realities. Our body is clapping at us saying, “Hey! This isn’t working,” and all we’re doing is either 1) muting the warning signs by popping another Advil or 2) slowly tuning out this vital information as we endure it and it becomes white noise. Everything we experience externally is a mirror to our internal Truth, and everything we experience internally is a mirror to our external reality. Living an honest and authentic life can only come once we begin to see and acknowledge the duality of both inner and outer realities.
6.0 we’re all just figuring it out
The truth is, you can change your mind whenever you need to once you place your ego aside and remember that we’re all just constantly figuring it out. The ego latches onto the identity of the first choice, making the act of changing your mind feel like the ultimate embarrassment, a destruction of ‘self.’ Social media can double this shame because we think people are keeping tabs on us and judging our decisions. I posted about the kittens on my IG story and texted some friends about it and was kicking myself for that until I remembered: I do not have to explain myself nor my decisions to anyone. Also, no one gives a shit in the first place!
When changing your mind, the most important part is not how it sets with others but how it sets within yourself. And that’s because making hard decisions and self-compassion are positively correlated. The harder the decision, the higher the level of self-compassion that is required of you.
When we change our minds, we must admit to ourselves, whether consciously or unconsciously, that we didn’t get it ‘right’ the first time around and that that’s okay, because it was never about getting it ‘right.’ It was about trying and gaining new information about what we really truly do want and like. It was about dancing with the ongoing process of figuring it out. Tangoing with the unknown and breathing in its mysterious aroma as you strut into your next act together. Because when we dance with the universe, there is no such thing as ‘I should’ve known better.’ There is only ‘I now know myself better.’
To Lola and Wesley, my babies that taught me so much about myself in just four days. Thank you for being the cutest, fuzziest and feistiest messengers of wisdom to come across my path. I’m sorry I couldn’t be your forever home, but I know you’ll find your true one soon.
3 Quotes 💡
Author Melody Beattie on how bridges are sacred and how to live with unsolved problems:
“Times of change are holy. We may not know where we’re going. It may not feel like our feet are on solid ground. They aren’t. We’re crossing a bridge to another part of our lives.”
“If you can’t solve it yet, if you can’t change it yet, it’s okay to live it, just as it is. Something is happening. The situation is changing. You’re on your way to change. Trust that the waiting part of change is necessary. Trust that your desire for change is the beginning of change. Trust that each moment you are moving closer to the change you desire.”
Unknown:
“You just have to make yourself ready. Everything will come by itself.”
3 Symbols
🛖 Hut
🪞 Mirror
🪆 Nesting doll
3 Mantras 🪷
I am exactly where I need to be. I am right on time and in no rush.
My desires come to me with ease.
I am enough, just as I am.
With love,
Kristen 🛖🪞🪆