pondering...the freeze response
thawing from freeze mode, connecting with discomfort, satisfaction as the north star
1.0 the freeze
When I start to step outside of my comfort zone, I find myself slipping into freeze mode a lot––this paralysis where I consciously want to do so many things with my day but my subconscious doesn’t feel ready. I then seize up and dissociate and become numb and lost in the activity at hand, whether it’s couch lock, or phone scrolling or obsessively toiling away in photoshop. It’s this anxious unconscious state that is technically a trauma response and is thoroughly explain by @the.holistic.psychologist:
“You’re sitting on your phone scrolling, lost in a cycle of thoughts about all that needs to get done. You start self shaming. Why can’t I get anything done. I’m so lazy. I’ll just put it off until tomorrow like I always do…What’s actually happening is our body physiology has gone into a sympathetic (freeze) state. This is automatic and involuntary. It’s not about ‘willpower’ or being a lazy person. When our body goes into freeze our sympathetic nervous system doesn’t allow us to ‘push through’ and instead the body goes into a hibernation state…In freeze we feel completely exhausted or drained even after plenty of sleep, apathetic (lack of motivation), immobilized (couch lock), and/or detached from our body. Our thoughts of hopelessness or self shaming keep us locked in this cycle because we feel more threatened and in danger.”
2.0 the thawing, finding warmth
I’m lost in my glowing rectangle. So lost that I’ve held my pee for 30+ minutes. My bladder is about to burst but the couch is a part of my body. Either the discomfort becomes too unbearable to wait any longer, or I miraculously snap back into consciousness to realize, I’m in freeze mode. That’s the first step, noticing. But there is no shame needed here, only warmth. Warmth, warmth, warmth, I tell myself over and over again (not shame, shame, shame). Only then can the thawing begin:
10 deep breaths before anything else (or however many to slow the heart beat so it no longer shakes my hair laying on my chest). I get up (a true act of courage) (warmth). I hobble over and put on a new vinyl (warmth). My ears tingle as they awaken (warmth). The beeswax candle I made with a group of women that lift up my soul flickers and crackles on my coffee table (warmth). I light some palo santo and twirl it around my body (warmth). And then some incense (warmth). I open the windows and let the thin wisps of smoke carry out the staleness (warmth). And then the best part in my favorite song comes on (warmth) and my body wants to be flung around (!) (warmth), all loosey goosey. My face scrunches up in glee when the groove gets almost too good (warmth) and a tear rolls down the side of my face (warmth).
A light chuckle rises out of me as I imagine my recent frozen self as an anxious anime character with the little worried emoting symbols + a sweat droplet drawn around her forehead. She had many small zig zags jittering around her body as she was glued to the couch. After realizing the discomfort, she placed her feet on the ground, her hands hesitantly holding onto the couch edge like she didn’t want to let go. But she did and I cheered. You could hear a celebratory ‘ding’ play in the background as she got up. I saw her do all her little things to change the energy. She now cries a few tears of joy, of release, and is surrounded by little hearts that are popping like iridescent bubbles all around her. Connected to herself, once again.
3.0 connecting with discomfort
I freeze up because I’m avoiding discomfort, which can take endless forms (e.g. feeling a tough emotion, attempting a new skill that feels very uncertain, feeling triggered and wanting to numb). Our body has learned that discomfort is ‘bad’ and its only goal is to keep us from feeling that. That is why the disconnect from the self happens––because the body thinks it’s making us safe now.
If disconnection is the numbing result of freezing, then re-connection to the self is the antidote. Specifically connecting to our discomfort, holding space for it, getting curious about it, and discerning healthy discomfort from worrisome discomfort.
Healthy discomfort is merely a muscle ideal for self-growth that needs to be strengthened, just like our quads need to be strengthened for running. This type of discomfort can be felt when we try something new, share our vulnerable art, try a different workout, etc. It is these moments of stretching ourselves greater than we currently are in which we grow. The soreness from flexing those new muscles is needed for growth, since the muscle that is built back is stronger following this natural repair process.
I maintain my warmth by telling myself over and over again, “I’m safe” and that “this discomfort is safe, I promise.” Healthy discomfort then no longer is a scary stranger that causes us to freeze. It is first a path to more deeply connect to ourselves, and then a major avenue to embody the future version of self we want to be. What does the day-to-day of the person you want to be look like? Do that now. It may be uncomfortable but that is how we expand ourselves.
4.0 guided by satisfaction
My freeze response is closely connected to the limiting belief that ‘whatever I do it’s still not enough.’ Scarcity mixed with internalized capitalism/grind culture/perfectionism in a nutshell.
When reprogramming this limiting belief (which is not rooted in any truth, only societal bullshit), I start with the opposite of ‘not enough,’ which is ‘ample.’ Being in a state of ampleness implies satisfaction is present. And so I ask myself, how can I create more satisfaction in my life? I answer, simply: by making satisfaction my north star.
Freeze comes to me when there is so much I want to be doing but I don’t know where to begin and the uncertainty immobilizes me. I seize up, overwhelmed with options and priorities, not sure what would be ‘best.’ But the ‘best’ (disguised perfectionism) 1) does not exist to begin with and 2) can no longer even be the goal when satisfaction is now the north star.
Satisfaction requires returning to yourself because you’re essentially asking yourself what would make me feel content, what would please my soul. Satisfaction is the barometer for decisions I return back to again and again. Satisfaction is a deep sigh that needs space to expand outwards into. It can only truly be felt when we give it space to be felt, meaning we pause and reflect on our accomplishments. Freeze is lost in the anxiety of the future while satisfaction honors the past but lives in the Now. Satisfaction is not hung up on the past, it is saying thank you to the past. In giving our work the celebratory space it deserves, we honor it. Satisfaction says thank you for letting me be the vessel for this beautiful work, what a treat it was.
Now when I finish a piece of writing or a hard task, I slow down and give myself a moment to roll around in this feeling of accomplishment rather than just moving onto the next thing/what needs to be done. Because if we truly believed that our work was enough, then we would feel satisfied. Not forever satisfied, but content with our efforts in the present. And that is plenty!
Creating moments of satisfaction when everything isn’t perfect is how we LIVE. We are allowed to feel at peace even when everything isn’t perfect. That doesn’t mean you are settling for less. That doesn’t mean you are are losing your ambition. That doesn’t mean you are lazy. That doesn’t mean you are giving up. It means you are finding joy, right Now. It has always been there, waiting for you to notice it, dancing right beside you.
With love,
Kristen